When I imagined marriage as a little girl I never imagined sleeping alone 5 nights a week. I never imagined being left alone 20 minutes into a meal {that's embarrassing}. I surely never imagined shopping for our first born son, and that ending in my husband detaining a guy that walked out of Babies R Us with 15 pairs of shoes shoved down his sweat pants! Being married to a police officer has definitely taken some time to get used to.
I've had this "police wife" gig for 4 years now. We are currently transitioning from city cop to state police. With this comes even more challenges! The divorce rate for police officers is off the charts! According to police-officer-pages.com for a large agency the divorce rate is betwee 70%-80%. That's 7/8 out of 10 police marriages ending in divorce! That's outrageous!
By no means do I have this police wife thing all figured out. We've had our ups and downs pertaining to this line of work. Along the way though, I've figured out a few things. Once you grasp and accept these things as part of the job, things get easier. I just wanted to share a few with you! (I will refer the LEO as he or him...that's just because I personally relate to my husband)
1. Be flexible. Thinking 9-5 is a joke when it comes to police life. Every agency has different shifts. Some do 8 hour shifts, some 10, some 12 hours shifts. The shifts go all day, mid day, mid night, deep nights... Don't get used to any schedule either. Just as you get comfortable with your LEO's (Law Enforcement Officer) schedule they will switch it up on you. Days will change, hours of work will change. Learn to plan vacations closer to the date rather than a year or even months in advanced. Understand a court date can pop up out of nowhere.
2. The dreaded holiday. Unfortunately, holidays are just another work day for a police officer. Figure out what works best for your family, and know that you will more than likely spend many holidays on your own. Also, get ready for no one else to understand. "Why can't you just come by yourself?" I have a rule. If my LEO is on duty I stay in town for holidays. When he is not on duty (a rare occasion) we are very open to traveling and spending holidays with family we don't live near. Consider starting traditions for holidays that aren't date specific so it's still a special time for your family! This isn't for everyone, but it works for us. It's a good conversation to have and really consider, because it's easy to be pulled in a million different directions during holidays.
3. Being Alone. Get used to it. There's no easier way to say it. Find a hobby, take up reading, exercise. I would dare guess and say you will spend 50% (minimum) of your nights alone while your significant other is on the job. It sucks, but don't let it beat you down. I have a "girls night" once a week where after the kids are in bed we get together and watch our favorite show together. It's only a few hours, but it's so needed. I read, ALOT. If you've read any of my other post you know I do digital designing. I didn't get started because we needed the money, it gives me something to do, and I enjoy it. Don't be afraid of venturing out on your own either. As I type this I'm silently saying "hypocrite"...this is one of my biggest struggles! I won't go out to eat on my own, I hate going to church on my own, and I am very uncomfortable at birthday parties without my LEO with me. It's getting easier over time.
4. Decide what you want to know. Your LEO is going to see and go through a lot of stuff! Figure out what you want to hear about, and what you aren't comfortable with. For example, we have a "if you need to talk about it I'm here" rule. These LEOs need an outlet, and sometimes that's going to be you. My husband comes home from EVERY shift with a story. For me personally I draw my line at kids. I'm a certified teacher (turned Stay at Home Mom), and I decided when my husband became a cop I didn't want to hear about car wrecks with kids, domestic disputes with kids, physical abuse with kids. It breaks my heart and makes me physically ill. Figure out what you are comfortable with and what you are comfortable with your kids knowing.
5. It's a 24/7 job. Accept it. When you leave a reception job you don't answer phone calls on your way home. When you leave your job as a dentist you don't clean teeth at a restaurant. When you walk out of the gym you personal train at you don't make people do squats in the middle of the Target aisle. Unfortunately for a cop their job doesn't stop. When you are in your car and there is a wreck, your LEO is going to get out and help. When you are at a restaurant, your LEO is going to threaten the 20 year old dropping the f-bomb right in your 1 year olds ear with disorderly conduct. When you are at Target, your LEO is going to stop the person you see stealing. I can't tell you the countless times we've been driving down the road talking about the weather, or vacation planning, or what to eat and in the middle of my sentence he says "their inspection is way out"...They don't turn it off. Get used to them having a gun on them all the time. It's not required, but most police officers have a gun on them at all times because they respond at all times. Even when a cop is "off-duty"...that just means he's not getting paid to do the job.
6. Have a plan. Because of #5, I know my husband is going to respond in let's say a bank robbery off duty. While, I don't want to see it, there's a chance we (my son and I) could be standing with him. We have a code word. I say that word or he says that word we know what to do. He says that word, my job is to take our son and get the heck out of dodge because it's about to go down. I say that word, he knows something is very wrong. It's not for small instances, ours is specifically for use of force type situations. It's also in place for phone conversations. Our word (or you could us a phrase) is not something that we would ever use in a regular conversation...so he knows if I work it into conversation that something is wrong and I just can't say it out loud. When my son is older, he will be taught the same word to use with us.
7. He's going to miss out. This kind of falls in line with a few above, but it's important enough to come to terms with it deserves it's own number. He's going to miss holidays, he's going to miss school plays and first days, he's going to miss birthdays. This is why it's so very important he makes it to the things he can. You and your family will eventually catch on, and it will all mean that much more when he's there.
8. Stay connected & communicate. Go on dates. Call him to tell him you love him. Write him letters and leave them in his police bag. Put notes on his bathroom mirror. Communication is one of the most important things in any marriage, but when some weeks or months you see your LEO for 2 hours a day max it becomes ESSENTIAL! Don't let days pass. If I've learned anything is that I've accepted the fact that every day he walks out the door he may not come back. Call me dark, but it's my reality. I tell my husband I love him and "come home" every time he leaves for work, every time I meet him for dinner, every time I talk to him while he's on shift.
9. Get an alarm system. Makes you feel better and your LEO feel better about leaving you.
10. Understand hyper vigilance. I think this is one of the most important things about the job of a LEO spouse! I HIGHLY recommend Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement by Kevin Gilmartin. My husband and I both read it after he was on the job 3 years, and it explained so many things for both of us! It helped me to realized why he responds and acts certain ways, and it helped him realize when he was in a rut or how things felt normal, but it was really his job affecting him negatively! HIGHLY recommend this book for new and veteran police families!
http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-survival-law-enforcement-officers/dp/0971725403/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1410453550&sr=8-1&keywords=emotional+law+enforcement
11. Find a support group. This is usually best to have at least one other police wife friend. Your family, while your biggest supporters, won't get it. They won't understand the sacrifices you make, they won't get the gut feeling you get when you see your husband on a traffic stop on the highway, and they won't definitely understand your families scheduling (because sometimes you barely understand it). Have someone you can vent to that understands these things!
There's tons more I can say...and I'm sure I will say more eventually, but I'll leave you hear for now! I hope this has enlightened you a bit. Just know you aren't going at this alone! I'm part of a great group on Facebook that helps me stay grounded in this journey! I encourage you to join!
https://www.facebook.com/NationalPoliceWivesAssociation
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| The start of our journey 4 years ago! |
